Fear Of Falling In Love

Having all this time on my hands (although “time” is always here), I am being taken to a quest within. Almost as if I am having a sacred shamanic medicine journey. I voluntarily show up show for my Self in order to heal, to get clear, to realize, to understand, to forgive… anything that would take me closer to my wholeness.
And here I am, drinking Life’s medicine at Its purest form.
Being isolated, allows me to see how much I’ve been imprisoning myself. Life is not my prison, never was, I am. I see (my) self sitting within my own walls I built so high around me.
Now I truly get to examine every single corner of a cell I’m in by opening my eyes to see, (really see!), the darkness. I feel it with all my being, and there’s no way out but to allow it to penetrate me until I become IT. The only way to eliminate fear of darkness, to die in it, but not in a horrible, suffocating, burning in fire way, but rather softly, by accepting it, allowing it to be the only way through to illumination, love, freedom.
There was never anything else or anyone else to punish, to blame, to judge, to attack, to not trust, but my own self. Living in a constant subliminal terror of the past, barely allowing myself to feel in the present.
So… I got carried away from my title of falling in love. But not too far.
Most of us believe that falling in love is unsafe, that it could shatter us into thousand pieces and we will never be able to gather back our perfect selves again. We associate “falling” as something beyond control, which goes against ego-driven mind, that is always “in control”. And so we create a belief – love is dangerous – followed by “alarm system” with multiple red blinking lights, like “guilty/punished”, “keep my distance”, “maintain suspicion”, “do not show vulnerability”, “can’t trust”, etc.
Even writing it feels heavy. But why?
We are not allowing Love to be what it is. Love is not a doing, or making, or acting, or even falling. Love is a state of Being. She takes us inside of Her and holds us safely (no need to fall).
As I am making sense to myself here, by using and trusting my heart, pen and paper, I have come to realization (remembered!) of my own inner journey from the darkness as medicine to the State of Love. Who I am and why I am here.
Love is the only Healer.

Lina
26th of April, 2020